Before You Break
by RandomCuteOtaku
Summary: "You never seemed like much of a hero. So what is it about her that brings out that empathy in you?" Through the glass Kanda glares at the man and snarls, but does not respond. This man knows he has nothing to say to him. "No response? Then let us begin."
1. Chapter 1

"Get up, exorcist."

Those words, spoken harshly and loud and echoing through the bars of his cell were meant to wake him. They didn't know he'd never managed to fall asleep. The mending of both his ribs and broken arm had kept him awake, as had his suspicions that they might come back for more. He'd instead spent the better part of that night with his eyes wide and watchful, his teeth clenched tightly shut to ensure no such pitiful, pain-induced whimper escaped his lips. He refused to let them know how much it hurt, and was thoroughly ashamed of the tears that managed to slip out of the corners of his eyes, _the treacherous little bastards_…

Besides, he doesn't think he would've been able to sleep down here anyway. They had him chained to the wall, each arm tightly shackled to opposite sides of the room, forcing him into a kneeling position, likely not by accident. It was cold, abnormally so. He'd noticed it when they brought him in that he could see his breath, the ghostly mist floating lonely round the stone cavity that he would be spending the night in. The floor wasn't exactly comfortable either, the clammy rocks beneath him making him shiver. He was cold and hungry, but he wouldn't complain. He knew they wouldn't give him anything until they were finished. And they'd barely just begun.

They weren't even playing nice this time though. The last time they'd at least waited a day before dragging him down here. But yesterday they had cuffed him and taken him away, with her standing right there, staring after him in horror. He was going to have so much explaining to do when he saw her later. He supposes he owes her that much. But, as for these bastards, he doesn't owe _them_ anything.

Which is why, when they finally decide to come into his cell to _force_ him to raise his head and "wake up", he looks up into their faces and spits. He supposes the slap he receives "for his insolence" is well deserved. It doesn't, however, dampen his satisfaction at seeing the shocked and disgusted looks on the guards' faces. What does sober him up completely is when _**he**_ walks in, pushing past the infuriated guards to stare condescendingly down at him.

"Kanda Yu."

He bares his teeth at the man at the mention of his name and snarls, like a wounded animal on the defensive. The guards hit him again. This time he feels something in his mouth break loose. Moments later he nonchalantly spits out a bloody tooth, and leers, teeth flecked with the same red goo oozing out the corner of his mouth, up at the man who was slowly making his life more of a living hell than it already was.

"Rouvelier. Came all the way here just to visit me? I'm touched," he spits out sarcastically. He knows he should keep his attitude in check around this man, but goading him verbally is the only way he can really fight back, and he relishes in it, despite the third slap he receives for his rudeness.

Rouvelier's face is unreadable, but Kanda thinks he sees the man's mustache bristle before he continues.

"Kanda Yu, do you know why you've been brought here?"

They both know that _he_ knows perfectly well why he's here, but, as per protocol, the man plans on reminding him. Again.

"You have been brought here," he says, staring coldly at the child below him, who was now steadily avoiding his gaze, "because you, once again, impeded CROW from taking Lenalee Lee in for experimentation. The order will NOT be punishing you, as you are one of our _precious_," at this he smirks slightly, "exorcists, and we need you at your best. However, as we are losing precious information because of Ms. Lee and her current, ah, _condition_, you will, of course, consent to be taken instead, and allow us to see what we can learn from _you_."

He leans in and whispers patronizingly into his prisoners ear, taking great amusement at the way the young boy squirms next to him, trying, in vain, to get away from him.

"You shouldn't have interfered, and now, you will pay the consequences."

Kanda snorts. He already knows this. This isn't the first time he's been sent down here, and it probably won't be the last. They'll always find some reason to drag him back, but he really should stop _giving_ them legitimate ones to do so. He really shouldn't have gotten involved.

But he hadn't _meant_ to get involved.

It'd been this morning. She'd been trying to kill herself again, and he'd just happened to be passing by as she'd been putting the rope 'round her neck. She had, of course, stopped upon seeing him, her hands freezing on the woven threads and her eyes wide and wet with tears. She'd run towards him, jumping into his arms and sobbing into his shoulder. And he'd awkwardly held her, comforting her in his own way, until **they** had shown up; the restriction wings of CROW, come to take her away. And instinctively he'd stood up to defend her.

_Goddamn. He'd have to learn to suppress that strange desire he had to protect her._

"Remove his restraints."

Rouvelier turns and walks out of the cell as the guards close in on him and take off his cuffs, taking care to irritate his already bruised wrists as they do it, breaking the skin, drawing blood. His arms drop to the floor heavily, like a marionette whose strings have been cut. It'll be awhile before he regains the feeling in them, but he isn't worried about that. Nor is he very worried about what Rouvelier has in store for him, something he really should be pondering as he's led down a dark corridor somewhere in the basement of the Asia branch. No, he's still pondering that man's words, and wondering what he meant about "Lenalee's current condition". Did that mean that they'd done something to her anyway? Or had he been talking about her umpteenth suicide attempt? Was she perhaps strapped down in the infirmary again?

The sudden halt in their march jars him out of his idle speculation. They've stopped in front of a familiar door, one that he's stood before a few times but never seen what lies behind it.

_Oh. So it's going to be one of _those_ punishments…_

He waits for the the crow on his right to cast his spell that'll put him out until they get there. Silence falls in the hall. A sudden spark of curiosity causes him to turns to Rouvelier with the intention of finding out what happened to that girl. But upon opening his mouth he decides that he isn't interested in knowing, or, that he shouldn't be. She had already caused him enough trouble. So he pauses, mouth still open and a frown growing on his face. And instead of enquiring about the girl, he asks,

"What are you trying to "learn" from me _this_ time, Inspector?"

The imposing man doesn't answer, allowing the silence to grow and waiting until the crows spell began to work, responding only when the eleven year old had begun falling to the floor, unconsciousness ensnaring him.

"I want to see how many times I can _hurt_ you before you break."

* * *

**Author's note**: _Well, as far as first fanfictions go I hope that wasn't too horrible, as I'm thinking of making it a three-parter. I hope you all like it. _(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ~


	2. Chapter 2

"_Shhhhhhh…"_

When he regains consciousness, the world around him is a startling, bright white. He blinks, dazed and confused, up at the impossible sky that seems to be bursting with an all-consuming light that is both horrifying and beautiful and forever. For a moment he feels strangely awed. Then his eyes focus, and there's a rushing in his ears, and his garbled thoughts re-align and he realizes that he is staring at the overly high ceiling of a strange white room. He squints, the brightness beginning to hurt his eyes. He breathes, taking in a long, deep breath, and chokes. The floors smell strongly of bleach. He jerks his torso upwards, his limbs protesting slightly to the quick movement being forced out their sore muscles, and, coughing slightly, he looks around this new, unfamiliar prison.

The room they've brought him to is very different from the rooms he's been taken to in the past. For one, he isn't tied down, which he supposes could be viewed as an improvement from his previous punishments, which have been, not necessarily more painful, but more frustrating in their ability to keep him from fighting back . It's also unbelievably suspicious, like they need him to be mobile for whatever it is they're planning. Another thing is the room itself. Three of the walls are completely covered in white tiles, while the other is, essentially, a thick pane of glass, transparent and entirely indestructible. There's a strange kind of silence, with a faint hum in the background that sounds vaguely like a constant, low whispering. And despite the sharpness of the lighting inside, he cannot see more than a foot of the room outside of it. He gets up and walks over to it, presses his face up against the cold expanse and peers through it with curiosity and mild apprehension.

_There's a man there, and a woman, too, both dressed in…white lab coats and fiddling with…some kind of machine to the side of the cell. And…next to them is.._

His eyes narrow. Surely, if he could just focus harder, he'd find…something...anything...some sort of clue to what they were planning on doing to him, and to why they'd brought him here of all places. Maybe…maybe if he looks through the glass at a different spot-

"You aren't going to see any better like that."

Kanda jumps. The voice had resounded through the room low yet powerful, like the purr of a cat toying with a mouse. He looks up wildly, trying to find where it came from, searching for a speaker, somewhere, **anywhere**, where was this **man** lurking somewhere in the shadows-? He glares suspiciously at the ceiling for a moment, and then turns back to the glass…

…to see a pair of yellow eyes staring back at him, sinister and amused. He lurches back, his look of shock changing quickly to one of animosity.

"YOU-! Where is this place? And why did you bring me here?"

Rouvelier steps back, smiling serenely down at the angry youth. He then begins pacing maddeningly slowly, his face never changing from the calm mask it had set itself to. He begins to speak to him as if the boy hadn't asked him anything. In a sickeningly condescending voice he says,

"Do you like rain, Kanda Yu? I do. I find it to be quite calming; perhaps _you_ should sit down and listen to it more often." Kanda gestures furiously at him from behind the glass, and he chuckles slightly before continuing.

"Maybe your little friend, Ms. Lenalee, should consider listening to the rain too. If she were more, ah, _clear-headed,_ she may not feel the constant need to kill herself. And it would be _awful_ if one of our most important soldiers were to reach such a…pointless demise." He stops pacing and stares, his eyes boring into Kanda's own, mocking, challenging.

"You know, you could almost say that it was because of her that you are here in this room today. You see, we're worried about her mental state and the effects it may be having on her health. We cannot afford to lose her.

And we hope that today's results will…_eliminate_ that possibility."

Kanda frowns. Normally that scheming snake isn't this talkative. Or cryptic. "Eliminate that possibility"? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Kanda stares fixedly at the man towering above him, searching his eyes for emotion of any kind. Does this man even _see_ what he's _**doing**_? Rouvelier's expression remains unreadable and placid. Kanda is abruptly livid.

"You SICK BASTARD, DO YOU-?"

"I wasn't expecting this behaviour from you when you arrived here, I'll admit," He continues, ignoring the sudden outburst from the young exorcist, "You didn't look like the type who would go out of their way to save someone, least of all a young girl whom you'd just met. You had too much anger for it."

"So I was surprised when I heard about you protecting her, and looking out for her. It didn't make sense.

Because you never seemed like much of a hero. So what is it about her that brings out that _empathy_ in you?"

Through the glass Kanda glares at the man and snarls, but does not respond. He has nothing to say to this man. And he knows it. "No response?" At his silence Rouvelier sighs, a big, heaving breath that echoes around Kanda's white prison. The man then smiles, but it is in no way comforting. It is something twisted, and his mouth curls into this abomination more as he bears down upon his prey. "Then let us begin."

And with that Rouvelier steps out of his range of view, stepping further back with a wave of his hand. And he hears it then, louder than before, the oddly familiar rushing noise, and he frowns, his eyebrows pulling down, betraying a flicker of confusion to the snake before him. It's getting louder still, thunderous, the sound now somewhere behind the walls and coming closer, and fast, towards…him?

He is fully confused now, his young face completely screwed up in frustration and anger, and he looks up again in time to see four holes the size of his hands open up in the four corners of the ceiling. He looks at the glass in bewilderment, wondering what the everlasting _fuck_ is going on, when, for a moment, it gets really quiet.

For a moment, there is nothing but foreboding silence.

Then he is abruptly surrounded by it, this rushing noise, all around him he hears it, this noise that is so similar to the raging wind, but not quite, not quite…

The look on his face now is plain panic, yet his body, for reasons he does not understand, relaxes. The sound, though terrifying in all its grandeur, is oddly…soothing.

Calming.

Like the rain.

It's then that everything falls into place; the odd, isolated feel of this place, the over-bright light, the glass wall, the impossibly high ceilings, the soft _gurgling_ he'd heard when he'd first woken up, that merciless _snake_'s exaggerated deep breath, "_I want to see how many times I can __**hurt**__ you before you __**break**_"-

A drop of water falls from above, hits his cheek and rolls into his mouth, which had dropped open in horrified realization.

They haven't put him in a prison cell. They've put him in a tank.

* * *

**Author's note:**_ Remember when I said I was only going to make this a three-parter? Ya, doesn't look like that's going to happen. Because a story of this caliber needs (drumroll please) MORE than three chapters! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧~_

_Oh god, I'm sorry, it's not even because it's epic, it's because I'm new at this and apparently suck at progressing the story TT. TT_

_But, yes. Expect more chapters than you expected._

_And I sincerely hope you like this one._


	3. Chapter 3

"Drip…drip…"

It was raining. She could hear it falling; hear the delicate droplets race ever quicker to earth, desperate, inevitable. The drops slid down the window, leaving watery trails on the stained-glass. Like tears. Water from heaven, like the sky was crying for her. Crying when she couldn't.

She'd locked herself in a storage room near the stairwell. It was a dinky little place, barely the size of her bedroom and twice as full, stuffed with bookshelves full of dusty books and suspiciously unmarked containers. Tucked out of sight, the place seemed just the right spot to hide, so she doubted they would find her for a while. But they would find her. Eventually. They always found her in the end. Always came to take her away. Always, always, always. And it would always be that way.

Curled up against a bookcase near the one window she shivered, feeling cold but not daring to move, for fear the noise would echo, giving away her position. The slightest slip-up on her part would travel the entire empty building. It was one of the things that she'd never understood about this place; it had enough space for an army, but only housed about thirty people permanently, including herself. Always too quiet. And she never ran into other people when _they_ were here, when she needed help the most. But she didn't want anything to do with these people anyway. She could be strong all on her own. Or, at least, that's what she liked to tell herself. _You're a strong girl, Lenalee. Keep your chin up, Lenalee_…A personal mantra, one she insisted on repeating, over and over, even when she knew it was a lie, and that she'd already given up. You're strong enough to outlast this…even though you've already chosen not to.

She brought her legs up, knees to her chin, and bit her lip. If not for Kanda, she'd already be dead. If not for him god knows where she would be. He'd saved her. Again. She'd have to repay him somehow. But she didn't even know where he was. _I don't even know where they've taken him…_she shivered harder, eyes glowing weirdly in the gray light. _I was right there…I watched them drag him away, and I didn't do anything to stop them. _

_I just stared after him. Then I ran away._

_You, Lenalee Lee, are weak._

_._

Kanda had never been very fond of water. Perhaps it had something to do with his mockery of a "birth", but he'd never understood the need to be around it more than necessary. Not that he was frightened of it or anything. As far as his "awakening" went, he could barely remember it, save for the feeling of being very warm upon waking, and then experiencing a strong and desperate desire for air to be fed into his hungry lungs that had only ever known liquid. Any other memory of that time had been VERY, PURPOSEFULLY FORGOTTEN. Meaning he had nothing left from that memory other than this feeling of slowly drowning.

And as the water drips slowly into the room, he begins to feel that same dread.

It is very much like rain. Starting slow, it spills over the edges in sheets, creating a constant, foreboding wall of liquid that begins to pool on the floor and lap at his toes. He backs up quickly, into a corner, clammy hands pawing at the walls behind him in some useless attempt to find some way, _any _way to get out. But there are none, not one door, not a crack nor hole. He is trapped, and he knows this. But he will not give up, this-

_This is not how I'd want to go._

Outside the tank, Rouvelier stands but two feet away, observing.

_Curious how he already looks like a corpse…Even this supposed immortal child fears death…_

The Chief Inspector watches in mild amusement as the young boy begins to panic, pressing himself desperately up against the pale tiles, dark hair splayed out over the white walls and face going paler and paler as the water level creeps up his ankles…

Kanda is alarmed by how cold the water is, and he shrinks away from it, pulling a dripping barefoot from the pool and shivering violently.

…and past his knees…

He's beginning to find moving a lot more difficult. Sloshing through the water he suddenly rushes forward, splashing it everywhere as his legs carry him to the glass wall. He bangs his hands on the cold surface before him, eyes crazed. He is shouting and the scientists outside act like they cannot hear him, infuriating him more.

Rouvelier's eyes narrow. _I suppose he isn't as worried for his own life after all..._

"…What the hell do you think you're doing? Putting me here, doing this- just what're you planning, huh? What could you possibly learn from this that you don't already know? And what about-"

He pauses, swallowing before continuing.

"…what about her, huh? What were you planning on doing to her? She couldn't have survived this! Just what sort of sick theory are you trying to prove?"

The Inspector looks him coldly in the face and holds him firmly in his gaze for a few moments before answering.

"Our only goal in this Holy war is to win."

With that he turns away from the glass and mutters to the male scientist nearest him, who then rushes out of the room. Rouvelier begins to follow, and as he walks out the door he hears a furious howl, echoing around the hall then cutting off sharply as the door snaps shut behind him.

.

The sound of a door clicking open startled her, and her head snapped up, eyes wide and hand over her mouth. She peered through the books, squinting slightly as she inched closer to the dusty shelves, and saw a sliver of light fall over the old furniture, shining much too brightly and revealing far too much of the room for Lenalee's liking. She quietly scooted herself back, grabbing a heavy book off the shelf as she went. She pressed herself as best she could against the wall, "weapon" in hand, and waited.

Moments passed, and Lenalee began to panic, her breathing getting ever so slightly harsher as time ticked by. Her hands were clammy, and she tightened her grip on the book she was holding. A drop of sweat slunk its way down from her forehead to her cheek, making her face sticky and, even worse, making her long hair stick to her face, which annoyed her because, at this crucial moment, she couldn't risk reaching up and moving it.

_Just…hold on and be quiet for a moment, Lenalee…And then, later, when they've gone you can make a run for it…just wait it out. _

She blinked nervously, and continued to look fixedly at the doorway. She flattened herself against the cool stones behind her even more when she noticed a long shadow appear, blocking out the light momentarily. She stopped breathing for a second, and then exhaled faintly in relief when it disappeared.

The door closed, and for a moment, she didn't move a muscle. After a few seconds she got up carefully, using the thick book covers to help her stand, her fingers muted on the layers of dust as she pushed herself up and peeked over the shelves once again. Through the dark it was hard to tell, but whoever it was who opened the door seemed to have left.

Putting the book down, the young girl tip-toed a bit closer to the door, passing through the soft gray light of the rainy skies that was spilling through the window, throwing shadows on the wall opposite her. She moved quickly, hair bouncing about as she hurried toward the only exit. Then not two steps away from the door her foot caught on something large lying on the floor, and she tumbled down, face and elbows scraping on the floor as she hit the stone with a thud.

Lenalee squeaked, sitting up slowly clutching her face, and looked around for what caused her to fall. But there was nothing, no strangely shaped rock jutting out of the stone floor, no stray book or container lying about, that may have been the reason behind her swift trip to the ground. She looked about confusedly, still clutching her slightly swollen cheek, her pretty face scrunched up in befuddlement. She made to surge forward on her hands and knees, to find the culprit…

…only to find a knife at her neck.

"Don't move, Ms. Lee," said a voice quietly from behind her, "We don't want to hurt you, we just need to make sure you won't run away again." They sounded young, she remarked, as the stranger bound her hands. _So _they_ start off young too, huh. Seems like that's the only way they know how to do things here. Get them young, and destroy any chances they have at a normal life. Why…_

"Ms. Lee, if you'll just- stay still for a second we'll put you to sleep." She hadn't realized that she'd been wriggling. She stopped upon noticing and hung her head. She knew when she'd been beaten. "And the next time you wake up'll be in your own bed. Nothing to worry about. Same as always."

It was a lie, but she nodded and replied in a monotonous tone, "Yes, of course. Same as always."

_Nothing to worry about._

_._

If Kanda is feeling anything right now, it isn't fear or worry. At least, not for himself. He's come to terms with what's going to happen to him. These bastards wanted to know what happened when he drowned, that was obvious. So he'd feel a bit uncomfortable until they pulled him out. He might even pass out, but that wasn't a big deal. It was an annoyance though, and one he really wasn't keen to sit through. Him wanting to get out of there had nothing to do with him fearing his own death, that was stupid.

It had nothing to do with that girl, either. _Stupid Lenalee…if she kept out of trouble more I wouldn't have to always be- no, I never had to do anything for her, I don't even know why I ever started to pr- protect her in the first place-! This- this feeling of needing to escape has nothing to do with the fact that I really have to check up on her and make-_

_M-make sure she's…_

_Alright._

_Ya. Nothing._

The water level is up passed his neck. He's floating, arms flailing as he lets the water carry him up, away from the tiled floor.

In that moment he stops fighting. The water level continues to rise, quicker and quicker, until it's half full …

_I hope that she got away, at least.._

…Almost full…

…_Because if she didn't I'll just be more pissed off later…_

…_and this'll all have been for nothing._

Kanda takes one last gulp of air…

…And the tank is full. He floats down, eyes shut tightly and his mouth tighter, waiting, waiting.

He wonders how long he can hold his breath for.

He wonders how long it'll take him to come back afterwards.

He wonders (grudgingly) whether Lenalee's okay.

He wonders

He wonders where the hell Rouvelier's gone.

_Wait. Where the hell IS Rouvelier? He wouldn't leave during one of his "experiments" unless…_

_Unless…_

_No._

Without thinking he lets out the air he was holding to silently yell Lenalee's name, the stream of bubbles producing no noise and barely disturbing his watery prison. He immediately regrets it when the water starts to fill his lungs through his mouth that's still open wide in horror.

_Dammit!_

_Oh god, Lenalee, just hold out for a while, okay? I'll come and find you; jus- just don't do anything stupid, okay?_

_Wait for me…_

Kanda reaches out a useless hand absently before finally blacking out.

.

Lenalee's mouth opened and went slack as the spell began to work on her mind, clouding her thoughts and making her woozy. She wondered vaguely, as the young crow picked up her limp body and walked towards the door, if they were taking her to where Kanda was. She also wondered whether or not he was alright.

_I hope he is…_

…_So that I can find him and save __**him**__ for a change._

Lenalee blinked heavy eyelids once before closing them for what would turn into a few hours.

_Please…_

_Wait for me._

* * *

_**Author's Note:** And there's chapter three! I don't know whether that was too choppy, but I liked jumping between the two of them and showing the parallels between each situation. So, so sorry this is late, I've been swamped in schoolwork for the last week and only now had the time to write this._

_I want to thank the three lovelies who reviewed, 14ChristinaXD, la tar de michael jackson, and TheOtakuSupreme, you guys made me feel super happy, I'm glad you're enjoying it!_


	4. Chapter 4

"Yu…"

It was a hazy sort of gray behind his eyelids, and the only thing his subconscious could conjure up about his current situation was a lazy urgency, a need to rouse but not one that he should answer just yet. He doesn't feel like he could anyway, his reactions to everything at the moment are lagging. He isn't thinking or moving, and the only thing that really registers right at this moment is a heavy feeling that presses down firmly on his chest, compressing and constricting.

But he doesn't have to wake, not yet. Because there is no reason for it. Right? Why wake when he is warm in here? And safe. Safe? From what? What does he have to fear? What is…? Where…where is here? His thoughts are coming back to him, but in confused, cut up circles, swirling around in his brain.

_Why should I wake from this sleep? What is there even to wake from? To wake to? I feel like there's something I should remember…there is something important I have- no. No, no I think perhaps I should just stay-_

Cutting through the gray fog of his weary mind he hears a whisper, floating airily through his muddled, half-formed thoughts, so unexpected that he wonders whether it was real or if he imagined it. For this particular voice, however, his imagination tormenting him wouldn't be much of a stretch.

"Yu, wake up…"

And he wakes with a start, his eyes snapping open at the sound of- no, it wasn't _that_ that had awoken him, which would be **crazy**, it must have been the mad, incessant pounding in his head, or the dull throbbing in his chest. He is being assaulted by pain like he's never known before; pulsing through him, but it's all quiet, and muted, like a memory (or a ghost). It is flitting at the edge of his consciousness and he cannot capture it, but where, where DID THIS PAIN COME FROM?!

For one alarming millisecond he can't remember where he is, or how he got there. He is filled only with a horrifyingly familiar sense of déjà vu. He has woken up here before. _But- that's not possible- tha- THAT PLACE WAS DESTROYED-?! Wait! Wait..._

In the span of the few seconds that it takes for his memories to come back to him he notices several things at once. First, that it is darker than he remembers, the harsh lighting dimmer inside the tank, making seeing outside of it easier than it was before. Second, the now more-visible lab outside the tank is completely empty, the scientists that had been there previously nowhere to be seen. The third is that no one has yet come to take him out of here.

He's feeling sluggish and slow, which, considering his whereabouts, isn't really that surprising, but the sharp pain in his arm is, as is the red substance swirling around by his left ear, just barely in his peripheral vision. Thin and frayed like crimson thread it's dancing, making slow, intricate patterns that refuse to mix with the water it's floating in. Wait…refusing to mix, red in the water…red. Is he…bleeding? He shouldn't really feel surprised at that either. Of course his healing powers would be slow here…but…how did he get cut?

He is startled out of his reverie by a light; nearly unbearable to him in the semi darkness he'd been floating in before. It is flowing in from the door to his left, opened by a man in a white lab coat, holding a clipboard, expression unreadable. The boy nearly sighs in relief and annoyance. _Took them long enough._ Kanda watches as he closes the door behind him, walks further into the room, and sits, facing him, in the shadows.

They stare at each other for a moment that seems to drag on forever, both apparently waiting for something from the other. As every agonizing second turns into tense minutes, Kanda's irritation grows to dangerous levels, as does his confusion. An uneasy haze settles over him, just from looking into the man's eyes. There is no guilt there, no remorse, and, frighteningly, no promise of being freed. They are empty. And it's infuriating. He blinks.

Then, as if breaking out of some sort of reverie, the scientist looks down at his clipboard and begins to ignore Kanda completely.

He waves at him, trying to get the stupid man's attention, because he clearly wasn't doing the job he was sent in to do, which was to take him out of this prison. Right? The man's twitches noticeably, but reacts only by writing furiously on whatever note he was making on the clipboard.

He smacks the glass.

And something snaps inside him.

He remembers why he felt such an urgency to leave this place upon waking. It was such a simple thing really, a matter of survival. He doesn't even really know why he didn't figure it out sooner.

He cannot breathe.

He couldn't breathe before.

His lungs had filled with water.

And he'd died.

And now he was dying again.

_NO! Not again, not again, this- this isn't like  
last time-_

_This time I don't _want_ to go back to sleep…_

And he begins to fade again, the lack of oxygen once again taking over his body, damaging again what had been repaired, and he thrashes, the surrounding liquid dancing around him as he flails. He needs to get out right now, right _now_, because he needs to breathe, he needs to get out, he- he… he needs to rescue _her,_ he needs to rescue Lenalee, god dammit all. He can't explain himself, not then, but at that moment, all of his thoughts were of _that girl _and escape.

Everything felt too sharp, to harsh, cutting into him like knives when it was only water, harmless calm water. Harmless water that had calmly ravaged his body and strangled his lungs (when had he opened his mouth…?). Calm…like the rain. But he cannot bring himself to be calm right now. He cannot bring himself to do anything. Because he is tired, so, so tired

_Someone-_

_Someone, please-_

He reaches out with a stiff hand for the ceiling, a hopeless and stupid gesture here, because this isn't like last time, and there is no one here to reach down, in honest kindness, and take it, no one to save him from that eternal rest that he'd had no idea that he would've, desperately wanted to stay in. There it is, that constricting feeling in his chest, pressing, pushing, and now he understands, ah, it is his _heart_, it _hurts._ He grasps the front of his sodden shirt, the fabric squishing between his desperate fingers that are clenching, clenching, clenching, _please make it stop, the pain, it's __**inside, **__help_

_**HELP ME-!**_

The lack of oxygen finally hits his brain, and he shuts down once more.

.

_He was sitting in a stairwell, a little one that led up to the roof. He was perched on the window sill, the window itself about a foot away from the stairs. He'd __jumped, from the metal to the stone ledge, confident that he wouldn't fall, and knowing that, even if he did, it would only take a minute or two for him to heal whatever wound he received. It was worth it though, just for a few moments to himself. Since he'd arrived at this place he'd been rarely left alone, and that was all he'd really wanted lately, to be alone. To be left with his thoughts, regardless of how negative they'd become. He wasn't interested in feeling happy anymore. He wasn't really interested in feeling anything._

_The sun had sunk low in the sky before anyone walked by his hiding place. At that point in the evening the shadows being thrown on the walls were enough to conceal him from any passing eyes. So when she did tiptoe by him she did not look at him, advancing too quickly and too focused to notice the dark figure two feet away from her. He, however, saw her, and perhaps it was the way the sun's dying rays were glancing oddly off her face, or maybe the odd blank look in her eye, but when Lenalee passed him by he felt compelled to follow. So when she was about a flight ahead of him he leapt back onto the metal stair, as quiet as if the dusty steps themselves were padded with carpet, and slunk up the stairs after her._

_When he got to the top of the final flight she was already out of sight, the door she'd slipped through just closing shut as he stepped onto the landing. He approached it, hand reaching for the knob, still unsure of why he was following her, and a gust of wind blew it open slightly, whistling through the opening in an airy sad tune that circled through the lofty tower and set an unexpected chill in his bones. He shook it off though, dismissing the feeling for the cool on his skin and not the tune in his head, and proceeded, walking, curious, through the door and onto the roof. And he found her there, arms outstretched and staring straight out at the sunset, standing mere inches away from the edge._

_Her back was to him, so he didn't think she'd heard him follow her out. He took care to close the door quietly behind him, turning the knob as he did to eliminate the clicking sound that would surely have given him away. That move turned out to be in vain however, for not ten seconds after he'd shut the door and turned to face her once again she spoke, her words passing her lips so rushed and quietly that he nearly missed them._

"_It's beautiful isn't it? The sky?"_

_He froze, hand still hovering over the knob, cursing himself quietly for having closed the door already and making his escape that much more difficult. He wasn't sure what she was planning to do up here, but he knew he didn't want to be a part of it. If the girl wanted to scatter herself all over the hard, stone ground way below them then that was her business, not his, and he certainly did not want to stand around and listen to whatever sob story she was bound to tell before doing so. Besides, he was pretty sure her comment before wasn't really directed at him in particular, so he was still pretty confident he could get out without her noticing he'd been there at all. This is what he told himself as he turned to the door, opened it and took a step back into the dark. This was as far as he got before she spoke again, and this time her words were very obviously meant for him._

_"I saw you, you know. Sitting on the window sill. You looked lonely. And I don't understand why such a lonely person would want to push everyone away like you do. Why do you push everyone away, Kanda-kun?"_

_He stiffened, hand curling and gripping the door frame unnecessarily hard. The sound of wood snapping cut through the air sharply. Lenalee went on as though she hadn't heard it._

_"I think that you've been hurt. I dunno by what, but something bad must've happened to you, and for whatever reason, you think you can't trust anyone anymore. So," she swallowed, and then continued, "instead of reaching out to anyone, you kept it all hidden away, so you wouldn't have to get hurt again, right?"_

_His eyes widened for a brief second and he twisted again to stare at her, expression unfathomable. He didn't understand how this young girl was reading him the way she was, but he didn't like it. He hadn't come up here to discuss his past. That was something he was planning on not discussing with anyone. Ever._

_He schooled his expression and raised an eyebrow. He was ending this conversation and going to bed. Right now._

_"Think you know everything, huh?"_

_She didn't answer, just turned her head a bit and shot him a look. He frowned. She looked away, gazing back out at the sky, and began anew. He realized she hadn't been looking for his confirmation. Because she hadn't been talking about him. He closed the door._

_"I love it up here. If you stand close enough to the edge, with the sun setting and the wind blowing, it almost feels like you're flying. There've been a few times when I thought about, you know, stepping off and…flying away. Because, sometimes, it gets too hard being all alone. And, and, sometimes it's hard remembering why I shouldn't-" she chokes out, her pretty face screwing up in a bitter sadness beyond her years._

"_I just don't know how to- I don't have _anything_ left. Not my parents, not my brother...they're dead, you know. My parents. I saw them get-! I saw, I _SAW, _I watched them get killed and then- and then-" She gulped and gasped, her tiny frame shaking violently from dry sobs._

"_My brother, my older brother, i never saw him again, after it happened, i never saw him again, and I don't even know if he's __**alive**__ or-!"_

_She swayed dangerously, and for a moment he thought the wind would pick her up and drop her. Instinct kicked in and he reached out and grabbed her hand. __And she froze, looking back at him and staring, her eyes unfocused and full of tears that she can't seem to cry._

"_How am i supposed to live through this? I DON'T HAVE ANYONE! HOW-?! How?! How...how am i supposed to-!"_

_He watched her, completely and utterly bewildered by the girl that he held in his hand. He didn't understand what she'd wanted. He didn't know what he could do for her. So he did the only thing he could do. He held on._

_Hysterical, she began whimpering, the words coming out of her mouth unintelligible, save for one:_

"_How...how- HOW-?! how-?"_

_He doesn't know when he'd sat down but the next thing he knew he was at her feet, dangling his own over the edge. He picked up a loose bit of stone from the ledge and dropped it over. He wondered what would happen if he were to fall from this height, and twitched as an image of his broken body healing itself again flashed before his eyes. He began to breathe in slow, steady breaths through the mouth, and closed his eyes to the sky that that girl thought was so beautiful. There was nothing beautiful about the sky. Nothing at all._

_After a moment he noticed that the her gasping had ceased, as had her whimpering. In fact, it seemed that she had stopped making noises completely. He looked up at her and realized with a jolt that her eyes were already on him, and, though she'd managed to calm herself down, she was crying. She squeezed his hand. He let go. She asked him again._

"_How can i live through this?"_

_"...You just…have to find the strength to keep going." _

_He was looking at her properly now, blue eyes filled with something, an emotion he can't really explain properly to himself. It was big and sad and filled him with a pain that wasn't altogether his. He called it pity. Looking back it was probably empathy. But it didn't really matter what he was feeling. Because after months of not really feeling anything, it felt good to feel _something_, even if that something was caused by someone else. Someone that, for completely irrational reasons, he was suddenly very annoyed with._

_"…tch. You're so stupid." Kanda ignored her barely audible squeak of shock, and continued dispassionately. _

"_Killing yourself would be going against what you want, right?_

_I mean, don't you want to see your brother again?"_

_She stared at him, mouth open slightly. He raised an eyebrow at her. Then she sat down next to him, hung her head and said, "…oh."_

_He sighed and flicked her forehead, hard. "Idiot, you can't just give up on in living if you still have something to live for!"_

_She scrambled away from him, clutching her forehead. She then settled about a foot away from him and pulled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms __around her legs and smiling softly._

_"But, what about you, Yu-kun? Don't you have something to live for?"_

_"Yeah…for me there's…something- I mean, someone …that I- Hey!"_

_He stopped abruptly, the realization of what he was telling her finally hitting him, and a red flush crept up his face as he spluttered, trying to take back what he'd already let slip._

_"Why am I telling _you_ anything!? I don't need to explain myself to you, I barely even know you!"_

_She giggled, putting her hand in front of her mouth to stifle the sound_

_The nerve of this girl! Asking him all those question and making him talk. Why _was_ he explaining himself to her though? He didn't even understand it himself, but she just made him _feel_** so**__…_

_She turned her head towards him, cheek resting on her knee, and beamed at him._

_"Hehe, I didn't actually ask you to tell me anything like that. I just wondered whether you had something, not what it was."_

_He growled unintelligibly at her, which, unfortunately for him, only made her laugh at him more. Agitated, he shot back:_

"_Shut up, stupid. It doesn't matter if you didn't mean it, the point is that I'm not gonna tell _you_ about_ _it- OUCH! FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"_

_She had scooted forward and flicked him in the forehead, particularly harder than he had to her, in his opinion. Afterwards she had adopted a rather haughty expression that Kanda had learned to associate with people who were scolding him._

"_I- I only did that because you were being insensitive!"_

_He glared at her wordlessly, thinking that he'd been PLENTY sensitive today, and that he knew the perfect place that she could shove her "sensitivity". And he was about to tell her so until her hand, that had until then, been hovering over his forehead, settled on the top of his head. And he sat, frozen that way, until she removed it and spoke again._

"_Someday, we'll get out of here, ya?"_

_He raised an eyebrow at her "we", not sure how to take the inclusion, but responded nonetheless, his tone lifeless and monotone._

"_Maybe YOU will…you have your brother out there, looking for you…you might even see him again…he might come for you…but me…no one's coming for me…"_

_._

Against the gray backdrop of the tank the test subject floated, unconscious once more, back arched and small hand outstretched to the ceiling. The men observing him outside it wondered idly what he was reaching out for.

The scientist made a small note on the report attached to his clipboard, then turned to the man that had just returned to the lab, expression neutral. The man standing behind him plucked the clipboard from his hands, bringing it closer to his face to read it in the dim lighting:

_Subject is stable and has not yet reached its limit. Project to continue as planned._

* * *

_**Author's note**: Wow, okay, so y'all can chew me out now eheh_

_All I have to say is that i have not abandoned this story, i just...needed a bit more time with this._


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